Crab Jak Joe

Cult of Crab Jak Joe
"We are the followers of the great Crab Jak Joe, brother of C'thulhu and father of Drew Jak Joe. We follow his ways and his light against the evils of western society and Lai Topez's ways. He taught us communism and brought us the Mookaels, it's all we can do to follow him. The great Pupaf of Pupafria even said that he is the one true god, our savior, and we should fear him for he is the all powerful. Crab Jak Joe is our god by right and by our thanks, as the leaders of the cult, Jaime Lannister, Bran Stark, and Joffrey Lannister.... I mean James Devin and Vladimir, the three godly men of fatherhood and of the CCCP. Uncle Ricegum has also blessed us with his amazing diss-tracks, and he is the three fathers' uncle."

Battle for the Pond
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This is the most important battle in the history of time and space. It's when the great forces of the Last Mookael teamed up with the Three Godly Men of Fatherhood, holstering the power of King Joffrey and using the Grand Sword of Communism to defeat the ways of Size and Nartz, who tried to spread the ways of Nazism into the sacred pond. As Master Will made his home in a dumpster, Lai Topez tried to kill off the Fathers and even Uncle Ricegum/Conor appeared with Lai Topez's Lamborghini. As the war continued in Stalingrad (the heavens), Mookael and King Joffrey, one of the three fathers, took on Size, and the File Cabinet of Gods flew into Will's hands, and he used to to defeat Nartz, but he had to keep trying. He wasn't doing it right, and he had to do it over and over again, until he was mocking Castro. Crab Jak Joe stabbed Lai Topez with the Grand Sword of Communism, and he fell. Will received the Grand Sword of Communism as a house-warming gift.

The battle was won, but the war wasn't. Cochjewlu flew in a week later, with the Flying Throne, which he flew right into Jaime the Father.

West Korean War
The West Korean war started when Bran- I mean Devin led the Communist movement in Chexico, and they sailed the 18,000 crabby seas and found West Korea. North Korea heard of this, and sent troops to take it over. Lee Harvey Dankswald came to the rescue, and the led the West Korea-Chexican pact into war. The North Koreans and Commy Chexicans fought for 2 days, before Papa Soviet Joffrey took the shack of food, and the North Koreans tried to run. Devin the Lord of Chexico killed Jim Kung Moon, and the Russians sent support. The island of West Korea turned into a futuristic metropolis where Weeaboos were accepted, sometimes, and Mairou could live in peace in their largest tower, which Jaime nearly knocked down a fortnight later.

Lai Topez was thought to be hiding, but then they remembered.... In the Sacred Pond, Crab Jak Joe is fighting him.

Quiznos
Quiznos is secretly a society that includes ramsay fanart, Disorted Sheldon, and those bastard Quiznos workers. They sit on their asses and listen to 311 all night! It bothered Jaime and Joffrey so they went to Quiznos HQ in their land of West Korea, and bombed it. They made sure no one came out a live, but 3 did. The ramsay fanart and disorted sheldon, not to metnion dat' other kid. They waged war, but Ricegum made a diss track and they flew away, hoping to land on the moon. This is how the space race ACTUALLY started. After Shower With Your Dad Simulator 1960-70 came out, ppl were all over it, and the soviets landed on the moon first. But the director of "the shining" decided to crop out the soviet flag, and use a cheap ass waving royalty free flag with a copyrighted logo on it. Once Quiznos heard of this, they struct at full force, but Jaime suffocated them all with pot smoke, to avenge Baramhae, not Harambe doe'.

Goom
In the War of the Pond, the Goombahs were endangered. The Wondrous Mookael saw this, and felt bad for the race, and didn't want them to end up like the Wild Mookaels, and so he entrusted them to Crab Jak Joe. Crab Jak Joe showered his love to them and blessed them with  Gum, a powerful mysterious power. The Goombahs were then granted the term "Those who don't Goom on the Bah' shall be shot on the spah'!"

And thus poverty was invented.

Crab Jak Joe rained his glory onto the earth and blessed the world two hundred and sixty two times. The Goombahs repopulated and replenished themselves. Soon, when the War of the Pond was over, there was peace, and the Gooms lived with the Mookael in harmony. In the realm of Ubekria, a wondrous land of forever starvation, in which the Goombah's lived, went under war. The Pupaf reign came to an end, and Blood was murdered.

So were all the Goombahs. All but one. The Wondrous Goom.

♋Those who don't goom on the bah will be shot on the spah' ♋ ♋Goombahs are hot as fuck ♋ ♋ ♋ ♋ ♋ ♋ ♋ ♋ ♋ ♋ ♋ ♋ ♋We all fap to Goombahs here. ♋ ♋ ♋ ♋ ♋ ♋ ♋ ♋ ♋ ♋ ♋ ♋ ♋ ♋ ♋ ♋ ♋ ♋ ♋ ♋ ♋ ♋ ♋ ♋ ♋ ♋ ♋ ♋ ♋ ♋ ♋ ♋ ♋

GOOMBAHS ARE GODS Goombah, oh, GOOOOOOMBAHHHHH, PICK ME UP AT THE SHOOOOPPPPPPPP! GOOOOOOOOOOM GOOOOOOOM PICK ME UPPPPPPPP! GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMZ!

☢ ☣shoot me up☢ ☣

Our country is called Goombania we worship Pupaf and Crab Jak Joe any who don't obey will be skinned alive by the wonderous Goombah. -

So yah boi was walkin' down the road, right? And all a sudden, a goom walks up to me with a knife and goes "u got gum?"

I reply "I got gum, i dont gum for you"

he gets angry and stabs the living hell out of me. I lay there, bleeding, and I reach out. He turns and says in a thick japanese accent "those who goom on the bah will be accepted in the spahhh, those who dont goom on the bah will be shot on the spahhhhh"

I nod in agreement, tears falling from my eyes, as I get on my knees and embrace the eternal goom.

In the end, I was accept by the gooms, and brought to eternal by the Goom-Bah, king of heaven and earth. When Goom said to, "Thou art chosen, thou will replenish thine earth!"

I nod, as I uptake the rooting and crown of King Goombah, and accept my name. I am now the king of the gooms, the leader of Goombania, and acceptor of the Crab God. To all of us, The Goom is but a wish, cast down in the pond of sorrow that was left in the war of Nam outtaken by Crab Jak Joe and his enemies. The Gooms saved Crab Jak Joe once, and so the crab god saved them back.

This is my legacy, my son, GOOM ON THE BAH OR GET SHOT ON THE SPAH

yo btw u got rope? rules You have to goom on the bah. You have to say bless you if Mr.Antonio sneezes You have to worship Crab Jak Joe You have to enjoy Roseanne

2nd War of the Pond
The most terrifying war to touch the holy book.

Master Will insisted on taking Nam back after the Gooms were defeated. Papa Soviet Joffrey agreed, and let him go. Wilhelm the Cybernetic Enforcer had plans to take Nam for himself, though.

Papa Soviet became Papa Communist and was seated at the right claw of Crab Jak Joe. He had a son named Todd, the Son of Man and Crab, who was mildly retarded. Well, majorly retarded but he has a self esteem still, so we call him "mild".

When Master Will took Nam for himself and set up a new house, the world was happy. Papa Communist planned the give Master Will a lambo that belonged to the defeated Lai Topez, but it blew off into the Pond. Thanks Todd, god damnit, what the f-

Wilhelm showed up on two hundred yachts made of gold and showered Master Will in lambos. He also gave him a  table. He had bombs on the table.

Master Will removed Papa Communist from the house warming party in the dumpster because he didn't have a gift, and that's when it was revealed that someone wanted to kill Wilhelm to pay up some old debts. Matt and Cornflake the Assassins of a Dead Prince (Lai Topez) had but one goal. To destroy masturbation. Papa Communist returned to Master Will and saw a camera stuck into a Bob Ross figure. He shot it, and Matt and Cornflake were off. They cornered Wilhelm and were about to kill him. Master Will said "There is something you can do to get back in to my party. There are people trying to kill Wilhelm. Kill them," or fuck, something like that, shit, i donno. Papa Communist prayed to his heavenly crab and became a  NO-EYED-GHOUL  and used a Kagune Jutsu.

He defeated Matt and Cornflake, but then was defeated by Wilhelm. Master Will was then killed in an explosion, and Wilhelm owned Nam.

So they both dead and shit but, hey, now the gates of Stalingrad are like open or some shit, so.....

Mr Tony
Mr.Tony had a dream, that every boy on the block can go to the ice cream shop and get a scoop. Crab Jak Joe admired his dream, and blessed his anus forty seven times every easter morning for six and a half years. As Crab Jak Joe had his guard down, Mr.Tony saw this as his chance to make his dream a TRUE  reality.

He attacked Poland and started to commit genocide. He blamed it on a man named Adolf Hitler. His goal was to kill Cochjewlu, who was, of course, a jew, and in order to do so, he saw it fit to murder  all  jews. If they all dead, I mean, shit, then Cochjewlu is dead, am I right? AND WHEN COCHJEWLU IS DEAD, PRICES WILL DEFLATE, COMMUNISM WILL WORK AGAIN, AND EVERY BOY ON THE BLOCK CAN GO TO THE ICE CREAM SHOP, just not girls cuz ew fuck them.